Dad jokes

My dad was on a hotdog with ketchup.

I was born on the moon.

Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.

Dad: What did your older brother say before he lost his virginity?

Son: Dad, please don't.

Dad: Exactly.

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”

What do you call an octopus dad?

An octodad.

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My father died last month."

"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"

Why did Sally not save the mountain climber?

Because it was her dad.

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

Dad: Hey, have you seen that new movie, "Constipation"?

Son: No.

Dad: It hasn't come out yet.

POV: Orphans rule the world.

God said, "I'm your dad," then kills himself.

The orphan: Waaaaaa!

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."

Why did Dad say no to the pool? Because he can't swim.

What did Little Johnny say to his dad?

Johnny: "Dad, please not again! I'm too young!"

"9/11 was not funny; it was plane wrong because my dad was the best fucking pilot in Jeddah."

Is your dad a magician?

Because he magically disappeared.

I am a racist, and I put my milk before cereal. Well, to be honest, that was when I had milk, but one day my dad says he was going to get some... then he left.

Now when I see a black guy, I yell, "Thanks for picking the cotton to make my shirt!"

At an orphan's funeral, you say, "Your dad came back."

Son, what is 1 plus 1?

Dad, I don't know.

Son, it is 2.

Dad, oh, I was gonna say 2.

I would tell a joke, but I’m sad my dad died in 9/11. He’s the greatest pilot that went down with the Twin Towers.

My dad left for milk 4 hours ago, anyone know where he is?