Dad

Dad jokes

A white dad, a priest, and a rabbi all run out a burning school, and the dad says, “What about the kids?” and the rabbi replies to him saying, “Fuck the kids,” and the priest says, “Think we got enough time?”

Dad: "I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage."

Kid: "Why are you doing that?"

Dad: "So you won't get bored there."

A child has diarrhea and asked his mom for a Viagra. "Why in the world do you want that?" she asked him. He looks at her and says, "Well, that's what you gift dad when his shit won't get hard."

A dad asked his son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday, and he replied, "How about a urinal cake?!"

So you know "The Lion King."

Do you remember Simba?

Well, his dad is really strong, and he walks really fast, but Simba walks really slow.

So I told him to Mufasa.

Kid: What is between mom's legs?

Dad: Paradise.

Kid: What's between your legs?

Dad: The key to paradise.

Kid: Well, you better change the lock, the neighbor has the key to.

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  • Son: Hey dad, why is my name Canada?

    Dad: Because you were made there.

    Mum: We haven't been to Canada.

    Dad: Hol' up a minute.

    Daughter: Where was I born?

    Dad: Alabama.

    Daughter: That is nice.

    Mum: We have never been to Alabama.

    Dad: RUN!

    Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

    Dad: Because she was made there.

    Son: Thanks, Dad.

    Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

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  • Girl: Mom, meet my boyfriend.

    Mom: Meet my boyfriend.

    Girl's boyfriend: Dad, is that you? Are you back from the supermarket with milk?

    Mom's boyfriend: Uh, gtg.

    You know what they say: "Location, location, location." So my dad stuck a thermometer up his butt, and now he has degrees.

    Dad: Hey son, do you like Christmas?

    12 year old me: Yeah!

    Dad: Well, how would you feel about two?

    Me: What?

    Lol, I keep stealing my dad's medication money, and the best part is he never remembers.

    Son: Hey Dad, what's an alcoholic?

    Dad: Well son, do you see those 4 cars? An alcoholic would see 8.

    Son: Dad, there are only 2 cars.

    Mom, why was I adopted?

    Because people are terrible, and that’s how the world works, son!

    Ok, Dad, the world is TERRIBLE!