Dad jokes

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

Little Timmy walked in on his parents having sex. His parents look at him in fear. Little Timmy asks, "Mom, Dad, what are you doing?"

The mom replies with, "We are playing house. We'll let you play when you're older," the dad says. So the next day Timmy goes over to play with his friend Johnny, who was, ironically, Timmy's neighbor. Johnny asks, "How was your sleep last night?" "I saw my mom and dad playing house last night," Timmy says. "But they told me I could play with them when I'm older."

After a little bit of playing with Johnny, Timmy went home and saw his Dad playing house with his babysitter. "Dad, what are you doing?" Timmy asks. "I'm playing house with your babysitter," Timmy's Dad said. "But I saw you play house with Mom last night," Timmy told his father. "Well, don't tell your mother," his dad said.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back.

My penis is tied in a knot.

What do you call a pig with two legs? Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahaa

What do you call a cow without any legs?

Ground beef!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahahaa

If the average male walks 1.7 miles a day, then why did my dad take 13 years to get the milk?

Your dad went to the shop to get milk, came back, went again, but never came back due to a car crash due to an itchy rash.

When you are f***ing your girlfriend and then she tells you that you f**k like your guys' dad.

Then you f**k your mom and she says the same thing.

What's the difference between a snow woman and snow man?

Snowballs.

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

Son: Dad, am I adopted?

Father: What? No! Out of all the kids in the adoption center, do you really think I would pick you?

Doctor: I'm sorry, but you still have 10 seconds left.

Man: What?! What about my family?! My son is still missing! I can't just leave like that!

Doctor: Don't worry sir, I told your family.

Man: That's... great... if they found my son, tell them that I love him more than anything and I couldn't keep that promise.

The doctor watches the man closing his eyes while tears fell down from his eyes.

Doctor: I will... dad...

Tq for reading my crappy joke.

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.

Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.

Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.

A neighbor went up to me and asked me where my parents were. When I said, "In the bed," my neighbor said, "Oooooohh, how long is the penis?" I said, "Wait here," and I interrupted my parents while they were doing some "business" and asked my dad the exact question he said. Then he spanked me.

I remember my dad's last words: "I met your father."

Dad: How was your trip to the park?

Daughter: It was good until the man came along.

Dad: *gasps* Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault, but tell Daddy, what happened?

Daughter: He made my friends go away so it was just me and him... then he took my dress off...

Dad: Oh God, what next?

Daughter: Nothing, that was it.

Dad: Oh, come on! That wasn't exciting, make something up!

I don't understand the plane crash at 9/11. My dad was a great pilot!