Cook jokes

My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.

Why did the rapper become a chef?

Because he knew how to cook up FRESH BEETS!

I like my humans like I like my chicken... Fully cooked.

The pie tasted weird today.

Then I realized that my mother likes cooking pie with human flesh from C town.

Why are orphans so skinny?

They never learned how to home cook.

Why does the pancake team in baseball always win? Because they have the best batter.

"Hey, I heard you were a bit down—where's John?"

"He died."

"Oh, I'm so sorry, but I got you food."

(After they eat) "Hey, how did John taste seasoned and cooked?"

Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."

How did the chicken 🐔 feel after escaping the fry cook?

Clucky!

I hate when my father doesn't cook me cocktails for tea.

What happens when you hear about Mary Brittain beating a Thomas?

You cook spaghetti with his blood!

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

A buddy and I checked out some books from a local library. When we returned them, he said, "Your sister works the returns, right?" I told him, "Yes, she does, and she will be here in about five minutes." He said, "Why don’t we put a cookbook in the women’s sports section?" I told him, "I love it!" So I picked out a Reese Witherspoon book.

What's the difference between you and Hitler? At least he knows how to use an oven.

What's the difference between a baby and a cooked chicken?

Several hundred calories.

If WW3 starts, I do, in fact, belong in the kitchen.

Why do an emo's parents not let them cook, because they are afraid they will cut themselves?

What is the difference between an egg and a wank? You can beat an egg, but you can't beat your...

Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."