What makes a nuke and divorce the same?
It only takes one of each to end your life.
Someone was bullying Stephen, so I said, "Why do you not stand up for yourself?"
During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.
He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*
Africa has every type of gun but one...
A water gun.
Why don’t midgets fight? They walk away to be the bigger man.
Family feud after finding out about Alabama.
I'd rate the food in Afghanistan a 9/11. That shit was bomb.
Why are we still fighting in darkness?
"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."
So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.
My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...
The emo kid ran away after his parents asked why they took the barcode sticker off the Oreos.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
Do you know what's the difference between a knife and a girl's argument?
A knife has a point.
A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"
I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.
Why can orphans never go to the shops?
'Cause the Talibans will plane dive into them.
Hey JFK, what would you do if you were in a fight?
JFK: Well, I'd give them a piece of my mind.
Why are Nazis so good at soccer?
Because they're so good at shooting.
