Comparison jokes

A nickname to call your short GF:

Little ankle biter Master Yoda Hasbula My little Ewok

What do sex and food have in common?

Grandma makes both better.

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

What does a woman and a hurricane have in common?

They’re nice and wet at first, but in the end they take everything.

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

What’s the difference between a man and a margarita?

A margarita hits the spot every time.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

A rope will hang with you.

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.

(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)

What is the difference between the Twin Towers and feminism? The Twin Towers were destroyed by terrorists, while feminism was created by terrorists.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

My boyfriend accused me of cheating. I told him he reminded me of my girlfriend.

Me: "What's the difference between an apple and an emo?"

Friend: "I don't know."

Me: An apple actually falls from the tree.

"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."

The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."

Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

1. You're so dumb, you think Cheerios are donut seeds!

2. You're so fat, you could sell shade!

3. You're just like coconut water, nobody likes you!

4. Have you been shopping lately? Because they're selling lives around the corner, you should go get one!

If being ugly was a crime, you would get a life sentence!!

Are these good?

What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?

Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.