Comparison jokes

Yo ass built like a wide body Hellcat!

You are so cat.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure."

It's a wonderful phrase, but a terrible way to find out you're adopted.

Your forehead is damn big, Walt was jealous of you.

Bruh, your forehead is so big even Megamind has some competition!

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

I like my woman like I like my coffee: in a big sack on top of a donkey.

What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?

Both are not a lamp.

Cool people: I can do anything.

Normal people: I can do nothing.

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

90,900,00,1090,279402% of girls are raped. 67% of women are raped. So I guess girls are sexier than women! Who agrees? Please comment: Good or Bad.

I hate this website. It's retarded and 4chan is better.

What’s the difference between a bird and a human?

“We don’t eat with our peckers.”

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

What does a kite and a criminal have in common?

They both get high.

What's the difference between emo people and normal people? Normal people have wrists.

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

What is the difference between a baby and a sweet potato?

About 140 calories.

A good woman is like a good cup of coffee, especially when it’s strong and hot with a little bit of cream in it.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.