Comparison jokes

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

What do an angler fish and a pedophile have in common?

They both like to hide in dark places, look creepy, and like to lure small creatures.

Whats the difference between NASA and religion

NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers

What's the difference between apples and dead babies?

I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?

Brain cells make up their mind.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

What is an orphan's favorite movie? Hint, not Home Alone. It's actually Batman, 'cause they are 50% the same as him.

What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?

You decide.

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

I like my women the way I like my sandwiches... A little meat between their buns.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

What's the difference between my mum and my dad?

My mum stayed.

Why are girls and rocks so alike?

If they're flat, they get skipped.