Comparison jokes

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

What’s the difference between a hoe and a rooster?

A rooster says, "Cock-a-doodle-doo," and a hoe says, "Any cock will do."

I like my girls like I like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

What is similar between sex and fishing?

It doesn't matter how deep you go, it matters how you wiggle the worm.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

I like my women like I like my microwaves.

Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.

Whats the difference between NASA and religion

NASA takes you through space Religion takes you through two towers

What's the difference between apples and dead babies?

I don't ejaculate on apples before I eat them.

The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.

The wife asked, "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Maid: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maid: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?

Brain cells make up their mind.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One's plastic and dangerous to play with; the other is to carry groceries.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple? An apple gets picked.

What's the difference between me and a rope?

The rope doesn't hang from itself.

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?

You decide.

What is an orphan's favorite movie? Hint, not Home Alone. It's actually Batman, 'cause they are 50% the same as him.