Comedy jokes

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?

Nothing, you told her twice.

When I was in middle school, I was on my bus and people were doin' hairline jokes, and I heard this guy say, "Your hairline goes back to... uhhhhhh... 2042?"

If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.

I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.

If I send a clown to deliver flowers to my wife...

...is that a romantic jester?

What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?

John

Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"

Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.

LOL

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and he asks the bartender for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.

Two people are in a restaurant. Person #1 doesn’t order anything, and Person #2 orders a chili.

Person #1: “Aren’t you gonna eat your bowl of chili?”

Person #2: “No, you can have it.”

Person #1: “Ok, thanks...”

Person 1 starts eating his food only to find half of a dead rat! He vomits all of the food back into the bowl.

Person #2: “That’s about as far as I got too!”

Mooning is very astrological!

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

What do you do if you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns?

Go for the juggler!

Friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Other Friend: Sure.

Friend: Pussy.

Other Friend: I don't get it.

Friend: And you never will.

Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

Everywhere.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

She had no arms.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

I'm gonna stop telling rape jokes...

They just seem so forced.

What do Ellen DeGeneres and homeless people have in common?

They don’t cook because they love eating out.

Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?

A: They were both shot in a theater.

The irony of metal jokes is pretty fun. But it leads to a lot of people stealing them.