Comedy jokes

I don't like 9/11 jokes because they always talk about how bad of a plane driver my dad is.

One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:

"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"

"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."

"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"

"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"

"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"

I had a JFK joke, but it went right through my head.

What's the difference between an ISIS militant base and a Pakistani children's school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.

What did the woman say when I told a rape joke?

"I don't get it."

I guess age is just a number, but in your boyfriend's case, a personal preference.

Who wants to laugh about life with me?

I realized that a really bad joke and my life are the exact same thing.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

What's your mom on?

Deez nuts!

Who needs April Fools?

When your whole life is a joke?

You're probably getting tired of these gravity jokes... but I keep falling for them every time.

What happens when two pieces of bread from the same loaf have sex?

They become in-bread.

Laugh.

There’s nothing funny about orphans, right?

Well, I guess that depends on your sense of humor.

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

"This tastes a little funny."

What is the worst thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right.

If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?

People are fighting in a war, and a man gets hit four times in the arm and says, "'Tis but a scratch!"

And the other guy, looking at him in shock, says, "A scratch? Your arm is off your body!"