Comedy jokes

Seriously, who wants fucking Annoying Orange as president?

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”

The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? -- Because he can't do stand up.

I have an orphan joke, but it needs parental guidance.

Where do mathematicians go to die?

The symmetry.

What is an orphan's favorite movie?

Home Alone.

I wanted to make a joke about homework, but sadly, I'm an orphan.

I have a pen, I have an Apple, um, Apple pen.

The Taliban had a plane, the US had a building boom, 9/11.

I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

How did I get to Iraq? I ran.

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

A pimple will wait until you're 12 years old to come on your face.

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

What is an orphan's least favorite TV show?

Family Feud.

I see, you guys jokers are SANS-ational!

What do you call the worst joke ever?

Well, according to my mom, I am.

The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.

What do dark humor and a person with scoliosis have in common?

Both are sick and twisted.

What's the difference between a joke and the Twin Towers? People don't laugh at my jokes.

What was Hitler’s favorite sex position?

Sixty nein.