Comedy jokes

I am going to scream, this is a cry for help.

Why are 9/11 victims the fastest readers in the world?

Because they went through 90 stories in just 10 seconds!

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?

He had no body to go with.

What do you call a bear with no ears? A b.

Yeah, that joke was unbearable.

Which brand of underwear does Thor wear?

Asgard.

What do you call Stephen Hawking when he eats too much?

As fat as Ben Dingley.

Earlier that day...

Mars: Okay Venus, you need to stop with the puns.

Mission on space.

Mars: Moon? You okay?

Moon:...

Mars: Moon come on! Stop spacing out!

*Venus and Moon giving her the smirk*

I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"

I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.

Stop making jokes about Kobe.

My daughter came home from school later than usual. I was panicking, then at 5:30 p.m. she arrived, not walking but in a bus 🚌. I asked, "Where the hell did this bus come from?" She said, "The garage in the alleyway, Mama. I bought it for five gummies and eight buttons. You like her? She is called Belle Bus." My face was just: 😑 How did you get the bus here? She replies with a whisper, "I drove her through five gardens, a house, and two police cars!" 🙃 So that explains why you have handcuffs on. "Yeah!"

A no legged manager runs the nearest pizza place called Your Pizza Is A Joke.

I (J0K35) worked there and this happened...

Manager: WHY ARE THE PINEAPPLES IN THE TRASH?

Me: Because nobody eats fucking pineapple pizza.

Manager: THAT'S IT! I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF THIS PLACE!

Me: You can't kick me out.

Manager: Why not? Huh?

Me: Because you need legs to kick, and you don't have any.

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Stop! Stop the orphan jokers!

So, I got a paper towel roll, ripped it, but started to fart when I ripped it off, and stopped farting when I got it off the roll, and then I said, "I guess that's why it's called ripping one!"

This page is for fat jokes, right? Well, I am breaking the mold! Yo Mama so fat! That's not a Joke it's True.

P.S. If your mom is actually fat, then I am sorry that I don't care.

So I walk into a bar, and there’s people waiting in line to punch me in the face.

That’s the punch line.

Germany does a backflip. America: What is happening?

France: Want a baguette?

USSR: Help!

What should I write a joke about? Name the subject, and I’ll make a joke about it.

What’s up with the foot feet?

What is the plural of "goose"? "Geese."

What is the plural of moose? Well, it ant meese.

Well, it’s my first joke. Please forgive me if it’s bad.