Comedy jokes
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.
The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.
The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.
The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"
The bartender agrees without hesitation.
The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.
"WTF!" the man shouts.
The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"
I love Steven Hawking’s stand-up comedy!
I love Steven Hawking's stand-up comedy!
Yo mama is so fat that I could write 3 paragraphs, and she still wouldn’t fit.
Your mom is so ugly, she's the reason he swerved.
Your mom so ugly that Paul Walker died.
Your forehead is so big, Megamind thought he was your long lost sibling.
Russia—the real joke.
What is the worst comedy for disabled people?
Stand-up comedy!
A lot of people ask why I only make jokes about Paul Walker and no one else.
Because they didn’t have as big of an impact as him.
A Down syndrome child is drowning, he calls for help with all of his voice: "Somebody help me!! I'm Downing!"
BA DUM TSS
What do you call a deaf dog? As you like, he doesn't hear you anyway.
I was watching a "don't laugh" video, and an erection joke almost made me laugh.
It really gave me a hard time indeed.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Joe.
Joe who?
Jo Mama!
Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
What's an emo's least favorite show?
Dr. Phil.
The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped, and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said. "Impressive," said the manager.
The man is given another. “Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine. The drunkard tasted it and said, “It's a blond, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get this job, I'll tell who the father is!”
What did Hitler feel about all the jokes about him? Führereous.
They're not jokes, they're notes now, get me?
I am in trouble.
Orphans are funny cuz all they do is sing "We Are Family."