Comedy Jokes

A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."

The room was full of arm amputees.

I don't always like to tell dwarf jokes. But when I do, I like to keep them short.

Yo mama so fat, when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes.

Little Johnny catches his parents going at it and says, "Hey dad! Whatcha doin'?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mom's tank."

Johnny says, "Oh yeah, well, you better get a model that gets better mileage because the milk man filled her up this morning."

Tell a dark joke to an orphan, then hit them. They'll get the punchline right away.

The image shows four panels. The top panel features Hagrid, who says: "You're a wizard, Harry." The second panel is of Harry, looking surprised. The third panel again shows Hagrid. The fourth panel shows Harry again, with the text in the second panel being edited to say: "You're a hairy wizard."

Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?

A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.

Anyone else on here looking at depressing jokes to make themselves feel better? Not that it's working, but it's nice to know that I'm not alone. Well, enough with the sob story, I gotta go get my razors. See ya in the long run.

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

All my jokes are cries for help.

INCLUDING THIS ONE.

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.

Communist jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Girls are like math; if they're under ten, then you use your fingers.

What's the best thing about abortion jokes?

They never get old.

What do you call it when a midget waves at you?

A microwave.

30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."