Come Jokes

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing diapers!” She replies: “Oh my god! Am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?” To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

When I'm bored, I go into an elevator with a full duffle bag. Once people come in and the door closes I zip open the bag a little bit and whisper to it "I'll get you some food once we get off"

Money and my mom are kinda the same thing they come and leave easlily

I didn't come into the prostitution business... It came into me.

Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?

Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.

Why Were The Twin Towers Scared At Dinner?

Because There Mom Said "Here Comes The Airplane!"

A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her ‘doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?’ The doctor says ‘my number’

Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously I'm not joking

Q: Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?

A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

A husband comes home from work one day and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3? -- Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."