Christmas jokes
Why did Helen Keller have no ornaments on her Christmas tree?
'Cause she always dropped them.
Family are together playing charades.
Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!
if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year
What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?
They are both going to be hanging from a tree.
What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?
They both hang...
You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?
I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*
So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?
Note to self.
When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".
Google "cream pie recipes".
I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.
One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.
Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"
"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"
"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."
Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."
Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."
Santa: "Done!"
Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"
Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."
Man: "Okay. Let's do it."
So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.
After they are done humping, Santa asks the man: "How old are you?"
Man: "I am 35 years old."
Santa: "And still believe in Santa Claus??!! HOHOHOHO!!!"
Tomorrow is Christmas, and I'm giving myself a present that I can't wait to open. It's my wrist. (Yes, this was inspired by a Fall Out Boy song.)
What do you call a green boner? The Grinch.
A boy got a soccer ball and a bike for Christmas. Why is he sad?
He doesn’t have legs.
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
What did the orphan get for Christmas? Nothing, because his parents ran away.
Double whammy. Orphan jokes are like a kid with cancer; it never gets old. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌👌
Roses are red. He shows no remorse.
Santa Claus Has joined the terrorist force.
I wanna be a Christmas decoration cause they always do be hanging.
What's a depressed kid's favorite holiday?.... Christmas because everything is hanging.