New Christmas Jokes - Page 9 - Worst Jokes Ever

What type of alphabet does an elf learn?

The elf-abet.

So a girl goes to Santa in the mall, and Santa asks what she would like for Christmas. So the kid says: “a little sister”. So then Santa says: “bring me your mother!”

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

Santa Claus gave a child a bike and a football. The child wasn’t happy. Why?

He had no legs.

Who gave Jesus his birthday presents every year?

Santa Claus!

Why did Helen Keller have no ornaments on her Christmas tree?

'Cause she always dropped them.

Family are together playing charades.

Me: "50 Shades of Grey!" Yes, I'm so good at charades! Put your shirt back on, Nan!

if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?

They are both going to be hanging from a tree.

What's the similarity between a Christmas ornament and a person?

They both hang...

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

Wanna ride a reindeer for Christmas? *rubs my antlers on you*

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

Note to self.

When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".

Google "cream pie recipes".

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

One man was very depressed because he lost everything. He lost his job. He lost his home, and he lost his wife. So he went lonely into the forest to grieve.

Suddenly, with his head raised up, he sees Santa Claus walking by. "Santa?" he asks. "Why are you early? It is not even Christmas?"

"Ho, ho. Don't worry about me. Let's worry about you instead," says Santa. "What is the problem, my friend?"

"I lost everything good in my life. I got fired from my job. My wife divorced me. I lost my house."

Santa: "I can help you. You can wish three things you want in life, and I'll give it to you."

Man: "My first wish is I want my house back."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My second wish is I want 1 million in cash in my bank account."

Santa: "Done!"

Man: "My third wish is I also want my job back!"

Santa: "Done, but before I actually give you those wishes, I have to hump you."

Man: "Okay. Let's do it."

So Santa Claus takes off his pants to hump the man.