Christian jokes

How can you tell the difference between a Christian priest and a zit?

One waits until you're twelve to come on your face.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.

How can you tell if a white homophobic heterosexual man with bisexual tendencies is a Christian nationalist?

He gives anonymous blowjobs to men regardless of their sexual orientation.

Me and Jesus are really close; he even turns the light on for me when I go pee in the middle of the night. Well, that is what I thought until the fridge was wet.

A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"

One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."

My sister: You were born ugly.

Me: I'm not a mirror, sis.

So, I don't want anyone taking this the wrong way, people are free to be whatever they feel they are, and that's not anyone else's choice.

BUT!!!!!!

I personally have my own feelings on "churches and christianity". I feel that it is against The God Delusion and is an abomination to anyone who has half a braincell. I know plenty of Christian people, and I respect that! NO, REALLY, I DO. My best friend is a dumbass Christian just like you are, and I respect that's how she feels, and I'm glad that she made her choice. But I don't love it when people promote this stuff, because it is what the morons are tricking everyone into doing/being. Falling into the brainwashed act is NOT something you should ever want to do. As someone who has some intelligence, this is not okay in my sense.

As someone who isn't an Aussie, I note that Idfk what this is: "The people who defended Australia get 2 days, remembrance day and Anzac day + 1 minute of silence." BUT the christianism community gets YEARS IN THIS DUMB WORLD where they are told that they are 'special' and 'normal, like everyone else'. Which is really unfair and in a way, biased. I was only 7 when I recognized this just from being told at school by all the kids in my class that they are either CHRISTIAN or support it.

I know and understand I will get a lot of hate from this, I also don't give a shit, but please remember that it's just my thoughts and opinion. Thank you for reading. :)

What’s something you can say at a Christian summer camp and during a blind date?

"Good Lord, this is fun!"

How do you anger a white Christian nationalist?

Tell him the truth.

My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.

Why is Christianity the most dramatic religion?

Because other religions say, "Do, do, do."

But Christianity says, "Done, done, done!"

God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.

THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!

Hey Gwen... I had a friend named Gwen in preschool.

The preschool was Cascade Christian and in Washington (which is close to Oregon. I read in a chat that you live there.) This is a long shot, but I think you might be the same Gwen. If not, ok.

What's the difference between Jesus and a gay person?

One created the rainbow, the other one ruined it.

How do you know if a homophobic woman that is a Christian nationalist and Catholic is poor enough she would be desperate enough to do anything to pay her bills?

she would be willing to perform anilingus and cunnilingus on women regardless of their sexual orientation in the LGBT community.

Hi guys, I have a brain teaser for you! Leave it in the comment section if you figure it out. Here you go!

If you kill yourself (suicide which is technically murder), will you go to Heaven or Hell? Because you murdered yourself, but what if you were a Christian?

That was my brain teaser for you guys! Make sure you leave what you came up with for the answer in the comment section below!! PEACE OUT!!!! :)

God said, "Let there be light," and it was lit!

This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."

They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"

I recently learned that churches won’t let trans men become priests because they don’t consider trans men as men, which is rather confusing to me.

As a Jew, I don’t know very much about Christianity, but from what I’ve heard, don’t priests love little boys?

The second coming came and went. Jesus believed he was a Christian; therefore, he could never be himself.