Cause jokes

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

When you're mad, you might as well just punch an orphan because what can they do, tell their parents?

Why did the boy not cross the road?

Because he was on thin ice.

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

Why did the crows form a charity?

Because it's all for good caws!

Why was your mom so into me?

'Cause she was the man.

I knew you played football because your hairline is receding.

Caution: Looking at your hairline can cause you to be delirious and have hallucinations.

Why is Jonnyy baiiiiii sad? Because he no shower pero.

I thought you played football 'cause you're hairline is receiving.

Why do men get great ideas in bed?

'Cause they are plugged into a genius!

Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?

Because their phone exploded the towers.

Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.

Did anyone around here lose a roll of twenty-dollar bills wrapped with a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band.

Why are English people bad at chess? 'Cause they lost their Queen.

Why can't the US play chess? 'Cause they lost their towers.

I say we shouldn’t do any jokes about dogs cause dogs are the best, but cats suck.

Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.