Cause jokes

The lasagna I just cooked is for me, my friends, and family. You don't get none because your name is not on the list. You wanna know why? 'Cause you got the whole place smelling like catdog and ass.

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

Bessie Coleman - I don't want to be a flier cause I am African American.

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

Is your middle name Fancy Feast?

'Cause your face looks like a can of dog food.

When you're mad, you might as well just punch an orphan because what can they do, tell their parents?

Why did the boy not cross the road?

Because he was on thin ice.

Why did the crows form a charity?

Because it's all for good caws!

What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?

Oh wait, I am because she's 10.

The adoption center threw a party. Why? 'Cause the parents weren't home.

Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.

Did anyone around here lose a roll of twenty-dollar bills wrapped with a rubber band? Because we found the rubber band.

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.

"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."

"Oh, cool."

"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."

"Makes sense."

"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."

"Where’s Trump’s clock?"

"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."

And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.

Why did the cow smell?

'Cause the horse gave it a pat on the back.

What’s another name for a cow?

You... cause you're fat.

Health commercials be like:

Serious side effects can cause:

Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack.

*If you don't get it, it got stuck in the butt crack.*

Roses are red, violets are blue, You'll suck my dick 'cause I'm stronger than you.

My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?

My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...

Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.

*Everyone Looks at me*