Is your middle name Fancy Feast?
'Cause your face looks like a can of dog food.
Cause Jokes
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Why was your mom so into me?
'Cause she was the man.
Why did the crows form a charity?
Because it's all for good caws!
I knew you played football because your hairline is receding.
I know people like this, and by that I mean me.
Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.
Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.
"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresa’s clock; the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Where’s Trump’s clock?"
"Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it’s so true.
Oh my god, she hit me with a bat,
'Cause she was transgender.
What’s another name for a cow?
You... cause you're fat.
Why did the cow smell?
'Cause the horse gave it a pat on the back.
Health commercials be like:
Serious side effects can cause:
Nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, chills, fever, cancer, diabetes, AIDS, chlamydia, lupus, Ebola, polio, leprosy, pulmonary edema, heart attack, heart failure, yellow fever, but worst of all, DEATH!
Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Cause it got stuck in the crack.
*If you don't get it, it got stuck in the butt crack.*
Why can't orphans go to Family Dollar?
'Cause they don't have a family.
Do orphans love doing crime?
'Cause they want to be wanted.
Why can't an orphan play kickball?
Because they can't hit home.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You'll suck my dick 'cause I'm stronger than you.
Why can’t an orphan go on a field trip?
'Cause they need a parent's signature.
My Friend: Why does Santa look like that?
My 15 Year Old Friend: He has secateurs cancer...
Me: I heard it's because he comes once a year.
*Everyone Looks at me*
Why is it wrong to put a beef or turkey patty in a burger?
'Cause it's a ham-burger, isn't it?
