Cause jokes
A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.
The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"
"Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"
The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.
The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."
They call me Mr. Distracted, truly a spastic. Can't talk to my folks cause they say I'm pro- problematic. Really fantastic. Can't focus unless I take meds then it's magic. My brain is like traffic, always fucking active. But never at the right time, pretty fucking tragic it happens.
Yo mama must be a giant, 'cause my Mini P.E.K.K.A. goes berserk on her!
Why is it so hard to find people defending suicide in any discussion?
Because they are really committed to their cause.
Q. What's the biggest cause of infant drownings? A. Postpartum depression.
Is your MBTI type INFP? Cause you're so FiNe.
Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?
Getting your fingers stuck in there.
Mom: Go clean your room, Little Johnny.
Little Johnny: No, it’s my room.
Mom: Well, it’s my house.
Little Johnny: Then go clean it.
Mom: Go to school!
At school:
Teacher: Hi, Little Johnny. You’re late.
Little Johnny: Watch because my son of a bitch mom told me to clean her room. I told her no, it’s my room, and then she said, 'Well, it’s my house.' Then I said, 'Go clean it,' and then she told me to go to school.
Teacher: Johnny, go to the principal’s office! You just came into school and now you're causing trouble. Go!
Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.
Why do French people eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
NSFW Why can't women ever tell men where the clitoris is?
'Cause it's a place to eat.
Are you a blood bender? 'Cause you're making my blood go south🖤.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
Just 'cause I have a big penis doesn't mean I can't have sex.
Why do rappers love the gym?
'Cause they're all about them heavy bars.
Why do orphans cause trouble at school?
So the teachers will call their parents.
Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?
Teacher: What?
Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.
Teacher: Why water?
Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.
Are you a keyboard, because I wanna tap you all night long.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
Are you a razor? 'Cause you make me red.