Are you a blood bender? 'Cause you're making my blood go south๐ค.
I heard that cataracts are the third leading cause of blindness...
... the first two being politics and religion.
Just 'cause I have a big penis doesn't mean I can't have sex.
Why do rappers love the gym?
'Cause they're all about them heavy bars.
Why do orphans cause trouble at school?
So the teachers will call their parents.
Kid: What is an orphan's favorite breakfast?
Teacher: What?
Kid: Fruity Pebbles with water.
Teacher: Why water?
Kid: 'Cause his dad never came back with the milk.
Are you a keyboard, because I wanna tap you all night long.
Your mom's been giving me attitude lately, so I told her to shut her mouth. When she did, it caused me to lose 4 inches.
Are you a razor? 'Cause you make me red.
Are you a mental hospital? Cause I need to be in you.
Why was Santa happy?
'Cause he has hoes.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby, you're the bomb!
Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.
"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him!
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
