Car jokes

Question: Why does my teenage brother wear a cape to bed?

Answer: Because he can't sleep in his race car bed...

My friend walked down the street and peed on a car.

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."

My dad drove past a graveyard. He said, "I won't be buried there." I asked why.

He said, "Because I am not dead yet!"

Why did the polack lock himself out of his car?

Because his keys were inside of the ignition.

Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words after robbing a bank: "Oh, shit! The pigs are catching up!" But the cops did not kill him; he drove full speed off a cliff.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

Today we had the best adventure ever! We started playing in the yard and doing ramps in a party van!

It all started when Timmy and I were playing in the yard and a white rusty van drove up to our yard. A nice man told us to get in. We said we would love to go, but our mommies wouldn't want us to go. The man said your mommies told me it was OK to come.

We hopped in the back and sped away super fast! The man gave us some candy, but Timmy and I were not hungry, so we didn't eat it. We saved it for later. After a while, I was wondering where we were going. I was about to ask the man, but then there was a whooping sound and some flashing blue lights! "Hey they want to party with us!" Timmy yelled over the whooping. "Party van!" I yelled.

Timmy and I started dancing and whooping and the van began driving faster, doing crazy race car stunts, and jumps! Then we noticed the lights and whooping were coming from some cars that were following us. The cars were black and white and said "P O L I C E” on the side.

We started to wave to them, but then the van did a HUGE jump and we flew out of the back of the van to the side of the road into some dirt, but it didn't really hurt that much. The van drove off without us, and I was really sad. Then Timmy told me the dirt was perfect for making mud pies. I was happy again. We played in the dirt awhile, until some people dressed like firefighters found us and brought us home. And then you asked me what happened. "Isn’t that right mommy?"

Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...

How did the blind Catholic get in a car crash? He asked Jesus to take the wheel.

I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!

My brother finally got his driver's license, so he took our new car out for a spin.

At least now I can have his phone he left.

The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.

"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"

So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."

Freshman: Hey, what's better, Ford or Chevy?

Senior: I don't f**kin' care as long as it drives.

Freshman: So, I'm guessing it's Chevy?

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

What's the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

I really like those "driverless cars." I saw loads of them last week in the car park.

What did the cat say when he took his new car for a test drive?

"Meoooow!"