Car jokes
Did you hear that Alicia wrecked her Lexus?
It's really a shame. She had to give her dad 3 months worth of blowjobs before he'd pay for it.
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!
Why did Nicholas Cage and Angelina Jolie attend Paul Walker’s funeral?
He went from "The Fast and the Furious" to "Gone in 60 Seconds."
Luckily, his funeral was a closed casket, sorry, his car blew a gasket.
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
You know we straight with doin' your mom
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
You know we straight with doin' your mom
I’m doin' your mom. Yes yours!
I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin' out your drawers.
Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen
But her ass was lookin' good all up in those mom-jeans.
I approached her in the checkout line, and said yo baby wassup?
She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin' at her jugs.
Five minutes later she agreed to get with me
So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.
I was ridin' your mom like she was Mario Kart.
I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn’t start.
She invited me in the house, and we started makin' out again.
How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000!
Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it.
She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it.
Cause she knows how I like it, and that I’m a little young
To be in the bed, butt-naked doin' your mom.
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
Doin' doin' your mom doin' doin' your mom
You know we straight with doin' your mom
I'm racist.
I don't like green cars.
Hey any riding with Biden fans out there?
I ran out of gas and could really use a ride so if one of ya'll can call me and pick me up that'd be great and I can't get gas because I only have 20 bucks which is like 1-5 and a half, help me please.
Carly (😊): What a beautiful day, huh?
Bianca (😔): Yes, for you it is.
Carly (😟): What's wrong?
Bianca (😕): Nothing, nothing at all...
Carly (😠): Don't lie to me...
Carly (🤔): Hmmm... Jordan???
Carly (😈): Because if so, I can take him out like this...
Bianca (😔🙄😒): Thank you... no... and I don't give a damn anymore!
Carly (😠): Bianca, trust me, you don't love him anyway!
Bianca (😒): Please, Carlyana, please keep your fucking face out of this.
Carly (😈): No need to curse, I can do that to Jordan if you want...
Bianca (😔): Well... shut your mouth and leave me alone!
Little Jimmy has 5 red apples. His dad's car will arrive in 20 minutes. Calculate the mass of the Sun.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
My mom bought me a car, and she called me an ungrateful b*tch because I sat in my wheelchair the whole time.
How do you fit a whale inside a car? A blender.
Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.
Your mom is so fat that she works as a hydraulic press in a car factory!
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
When the speedbump in a school zone screams, so you go faster.
Why was the computer late for work?
He had a hard drive.
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.