Cant jokes
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.
Biden: *falls over on steps*
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
Why are feminists always against men?
Because men can piss with something that they can't: piss with dicks.
Why can't an orphan be gay?
Because they don't have anyone to call "daddy". (My bad if this offended anyone.)
Why can't Michael Jackson ever win in a race? Because he always comes in a little behind.
Why can't a blonde call 911?
She can't find the 11.
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
One day a man was fixing a car, and he accidentally got brake oil in his mouth. He was about to spit it out, but then he thought, "Hmm, this tastes pretty good!" So he would keep drinking brake oil. But his friends were getting worried about him, and they were like, "Dude, this can't be healthy." But he said, "Don't worry. I can STOP anytime."
The reason that girls are not allowed in boys' treehouses is because girls can't keep their mouths shut about boys taking turns sucking each other's hotdogs.
What’s the difference between Stephen Hawking and a walkie talkie? He can’t walkie or talkie.
Why can't a Muslim woman give head to an American cop?
She doesn't eat pigs.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The "p" is silent.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Why can’t pedophiles ever win races? Because they are always coming in a little behind.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds, "Oh. I'm terribly sorry. You see, I'm so gay I can't even park straight."
Why can't orphans eat a large bag of chips? Because they're family size.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."