Canning jokes

Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.

Aren't paraplegics just plegics that can fly?

Can you make me a bowl of cereal? Oh wait, your dad never came back with the milk.

Yes, the Queen has died today. Can the people of the world please finally tell Harry to stop cross-dressing as her?

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

What can you give a white person that you can't give to a black person?

A black eye.

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.

Cancer is like a video game.

Some people cannot beat it.

Q: Why can orphans swim?

A: They have or-fins.

I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?

I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.

The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.

Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.

That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.

Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.

Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.

But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can watch the expression on their face.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

"Wait, I can explain everything!"

Did you know penguins can actually fly if thrown hard enough... Just like children.

Can we stop talking about 9/11? I lost my dad in it.

He was a great pilot.

What's white and comes in little cans?

Michael Jackson.

🤔 🤔 🤔 Why did a ♿ why did a physically handicapped 👨 gay man that is a sex worker received $35.00 for a blowjob from gay men in the LGBT community? because he can suck the chrome of a tail pipe 🌭 🌭 🌭 🌭 🌭 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌 🍌

How can you tell that a website was made by an orphan?

It doesn’t have a home page.

So my sister was eating Now&Laters, and I continuously heard smacking sounds. So I told her, "Can you stop smacking? It's annoying." Then she said, "I can't, it's a juicy type of candy." So I said, "I can stop the candies from making that sound." Then she said, "How?" So I smacked her. :)

The daughter of an incestuous pedophile goes into the living room where he is watching TV and asks him if she can borrow the car that evening.

"Sure honey! If you suck my dick!"

So she gets down on him but something is wrong. She pops her head up and says: "Dad! This tastes like shit!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot," says the father. "I already gave your brother the car for tonight."