Canning jokes

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

Why do orphans go to church?

Because they can call someone "father."

What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?

"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

What’s the difference between orphans and blind children?

None. Neither can see their parents.

How is slavery different from Pokémon?

The types you can have.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?

"Thanks for coming."

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"

What’s the difference between your sister and a bowling ball?

I can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Can you imagine the last thing that went through the minds of 9/11 victims?

Well, probably the person in front of them.

Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.

But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.

There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."

Why can't an orphan have milk?

His dad didn't come back with the milk.

People say that they can read people's faces; then how come nobody sees me breaking inside?

How many children can you fit in a box?

Maybe five if you have a trash compactor.

The good thing about being gay in school is that you can be the best student and still get all the D's.

If you had the strength of an ant, you could lift the pyramid of Giza.

(Ants can lift items 20x their weight.)