Canning jokes
Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.
Little Johnny said he wanted a coffee, so his mom said he can have one.
He got an espresso, not knowing "depresso" came with it.
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
My sister thinks she's so smart. She said only an onion can make you cry, so I brought the belt out, and she started crying.
You: Find a time clock that can change time.
Your friend the next day: Hey, can I borrow yo' house?
You: No, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my TIME!
Also you: Changes the time back to 1267 so you don't have to have that friend again.
Memes
Orphan kids only play GTA5 so they can be wanted.
A 28-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online.
For $300K, you can have the worst sex of your life.
When Ant-Man is the size of an atom, how can he breathe?
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Be careful, everybody, I have a red dot on my forehead, so I can record everybody!
Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.
What is Green and Red and goes round and round?
A frog in a blender.
(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)
What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?
One can support an average family.
What animal can jump the highest?
Emo kids because once they go up they never come back.
Guy 1: Hey, can you stop making 9/11 jokes? My dad died during it.
Guy 2: Sorry, I will stop. What was your dad?
Guy 1: The pilot. He saw a KFC and wanted it, so, well, you know.
Why are women’s feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Opposite day be like in doors.
Figure: Finally, I can see.
Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.
Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.
Eyes: 😭
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?
You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.
My uncle is an alchemist.
He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.
Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.
Joseph: No, they don't.
Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.
Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.
What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.