Canning jokes

People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.

They can stay in their living room.

What can Michael Jackson eat in his coffin?

Nothing, only brown bread, what they call it! 😂😂😂

Michael Jackson's nose is so steep, it can be a ski ramp.

My friend Liam has a hairline [if you can even call it a hairline] so bad it keeps going back for miles.

Why do ducks have feathers? So they can cover their butt quacks.

What is Green and Red and goes round and round?

A frog in a blender.

(this next one is pretty bad, and I don't mean it, so don't get offended)

What's the difference between a Mexican and a park bench?

One can support an average family.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

What animal can jump the highest?

Emo kids because once they go up they never come back.

Opposite day be like in doors.

Figure: Finally, I can see.

Eyes: Nnnnnoooo! I'm blind. Figure, I'm sorry I made fun of you all those other times. Please don't make fun of me.

Figure: Ok eye promise eye won't.

Eyes: 😭

Why can't orphans sleep? Nobody can tuck them in.

My worst fear is being trapped in a lift with a man who is confident he can fix it.

What's the difference between a bird and a kid on the roof?

The bird can fly off the roof.

What music do depressed people listen to?

"I Believe I Can Fly."

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

Who can jump the highest? Depressed asses, some say they’re still in the air.

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Jamal: Dads CAN grow on trees, Joseph.

Joseph: No, they don't.

Jamal: Yes, they do. I've seen it.

Joseph: ... that's not what you thought it was.

Hey, can I tell you a pizza joke?

Nah, it's too cheesy.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?