Canning jokes

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward.

What’s the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?

You can hear a hormone.

What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers?

The redneck virgin.

Mother, father, and a son. Father purchased a robot that can detect lies. The robot slaps when you lie.

During dinner time: Father: Son, what have you done today? Son: I watched Netflix, Dad. Robot: Stood up and slapped the son! Son: Okay! Okay! I watched porn, Dad. Dad: What? You watched porn? You are only 14! I never knew porn till I was 18 years of age. Robot: Stood up and slapped the Dad! Mother: started to laugh and said, "Sure he is your son!" Robot: Stood up and slapped the mother!

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

Why does Mexico not have a good athletics team? Because anyone who can run or jump is already over the wall.

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

Can I branch out to some tree puns? Willow you allow me it’s only fur. No? Oakome on!

Who do you want on your basketball team in heaven?

Peter. He can deny Jesus three times.

A Mexican boy said, "I can't do this." Then a guy says, "You can do it, we are Mexican, not Mexicant."

Can all the hot, depressed, suicidal guys just text me so we can meet up and cry together about how depressed we are. For real.

How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?

She can clean her crack and sell it again.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

I can do a very good Michael Jackson impersonation. I just need a kid who can keep a secret.

my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.

So I stabbed him. Now we wait.

Some people can juggle chainsaws. Chuck Norris can juggle people juggling chainsaws.

What do the initials NOW stand for?

(A.) National Organization For Women

(B.) National Organization of Whores

(C.) All the above

Answer:

Since the initials NOW can stand for anything, the correct answer is all the above.

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

What’s the best part about having sex with a pregnant woman?

You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.