Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?
Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.
Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.
How can a prostitute make more money than a drug dealer?
She can clean her crack and sell it again.
my therapist says with time all wounds can heal.
So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
How can you get free butt plants? Just get your man to fill your butt with natural juices.
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.
Who can drink 20 liters of fuel without dying? A jerrycan.
Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"
Orphan: "What's a mom?"
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
You're not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.
You can understand depression if you are still in school and get bullied by bullies, punished by teachers, and scolded by parents for being that quiet kid who says nothing.
Why do nuns walk in groups?
So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
What’s the difference between a chromosome and a hormone?
You can hear a hormone.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
You can keep the tip.
Why do orphans become hookers?
They can call someone daddy.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”
