Canning jokes

Who can drink 20 liters of fuel without dying? A jerrycan.

Boy: "Hey mom, can we have ice cream?"

Orphan: "What's a mom?"

Why do orphans go to church? So that they can call someone Father.

Papyrus ran headfirst into a windmill. Guess you can call him a bonehead.

Roses are red, violets are blue. Get over here so I can fuck you.

Why do nuns walk in groups?

So one “nun” can keep an eye on the other “nun” just to make sure that she isn’t getting "nun".

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?

You can keep the tip.

Why do orphans become hookers?

They can call someone daddy.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

Holy shit there's so many yo mama jokes. Here's mine: Yo mama so skinny she used a cheerio as a hula hoop.

Yo mama so fat that she made a plane unstable and crashed it into the Twin Towers.

Yo mama so old that she has Jesus's autograph.

Yo mama so ugly that not even makeup can save her.

Yo mama so dumb that she thought Rocket League was a competition between kids in wheelchairs.

Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay people can play Star Wars.

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly, “Paint...my....house.”

The little camel asks his mother: "Mum, why do we have these big humps?"

"Because in these humps there is some water, and in the hot desert we can drink."

"And Mum, why do we have this large fur?"

"Because the desert at night is so cold, and then we don’t feel cold."

"And Mum, why do we got these big hoofs?"

"Because the desert sand is hot, and the hoofs save us from the hot sand."

"But Mum, what the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?"

One day, a girl was showering with her mom. She pointed at her mom's breasts and asked: "When can I get these?" Her mother replied: "In about 6 to 7 years when you grow up :)".

The other day, the girl's showering with her dad, and she pointed at his penis and asked: "When can I get this?" Her dad looked around and replied: "In about 20 minutes when your mom leaves the house."

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website? Anyone can fake to be someone they're not, and no one will know the goddamn difference. I’m just trying to look at/make jokes, and I’m getting shit from people saying, "It’s too offensive" or something like that. Goddamn just take that shit somewhere else.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?

"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.