Canning jokes

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

What is the smartest month?

April - No one can fool it.

What cow can part water? Mooses.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patients to sleep, so I unplug them.

Roses are red. Lemons are sour. Open your legs, so I can devour.

A woman can fake an orgasm for the sake of a relationship.

A man can fake a relationship for the sake of an orgasm.

The gayest person on Earth is Pac-Man.

You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?

So that they can be wanted.

Fun fact! You can hold your breath till the rest of your life.

So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

The boy turns to the man and says, "Hey mister, it's getting dark out, and I’m scared... Can we go back now?"

So the man says: "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!"

How many gay guys can you fit on a bar stool? Four, just flip it over.

What's the best thing about Alzheimer's?

You can hide your own Easter Eggs!

Can February march? -- No, but April may.

What can you tell a dog, but not your girlfriend? Come.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

So, a guy is evading the draft. The cops bang on his door, and he runs out the back, through an alleyway onto a road. He finds a nun and asks if he can hide under her blouse. She complies, and the cops walk by and don't see them. The man comes back up from under the nun's blouse and says, "Hey man, you've got a pair of balls!" The nun says, "I didn't wanna be drafted either..."

Q: How can you tell that a pedophile likes music?

A: He rapes D minor.

The difference between dark jokes and morbid is,

dark jokes are 10 babies in 1 trash can, and

morbid jokes are 1 baby in 10 trash cans.

Never attempt to foreshadow your own death, you may end up regretting it. You can chop me up and throw me in the fridge if I’m wrong.

A good dog name is Syndrome. That way when it tries attacking, you can yell, "Down, Syndrome!"