Canning jokes

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

I don't get it.

Orphans are very religious, well mostly. Statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church. I mean it's the only place they can call someone "father".

Q: I have a fish that can breakdance! A: Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

Roses are not always red, Violets are violet, not blue. Irises are never red, Petunias can be kinda blue.

What does this tell us 'cept you can't trust a poet to tell the truth.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A trash can in a baby.

Why do orphans commit crimes?

So they can be wanted for once.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Why are orphans good at dodgeball?

They can dodge adoptions.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.