Canning jokes

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I don't get it.

Orphans are very religious, well mostly. Statistics say that roughly 2/3 of the orphan population go to church. I mean it's the only place they can call someone "father".

Q: I have a fish that can breakdance! A: Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

I'm reading this book in braille right now, and I know something's gonna happen, I can just feel it.

Friend #1: "What's your favourite thing about trees?"

Friend #2: "Apples"

Me: "I can hang myself in them."

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period? She can taste the blood on her son’s dick.

Hey girl, are your pants a mirror? 'Cause I can see myself in them.

If 2 + 2 is 4, and 4 + 4 is 8, then that must mean I can lick your pussy.

An ICE agent tells a Mexican that he can get his green card if he can use green, pink, and yellow correctly in a sentence. The Mexican thinks for a minute and says, "My phone goes green, green, and I pink it up and say yellow."

What does my arm have in common with paper?

They both can be cut.

What's worse than a baby in a trash can?

A trash can in a baby.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

Why do orphans commit crimes?

So they can be wanted for once.

How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?

She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!

I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.

Here are some rules to make a good joke:

1: Don't say “my life.”

2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.

3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).

What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.