Can jokes
How can toilet paper decorate your house?
Shit sticks everywhere.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Some people think emo jokes are funny, but I think it can cut both ways.
A guy and girl had a sex poem competition.
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."
What did the kid with cancer say? "Can-I see my mom one more time?"
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
Yo forehead so big, an airplane can use that as a runway!
When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:
Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?
How are guys and tile floors alike?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.
How can all rape be prevented? Just teach your daughters to never say no to a man. There - fixed!
Orphans can get away with anything really bad at school, because they can't be sent home for it.
I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
Being gay is the most masculine thing that is possible because only men can be gay.
A patient walked into a psychiatrist's office last week wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."
What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?
A Sandy Hook.
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him to eat 200 balls.
Can I make you a basketball cake for dessert?
Yeah, you sure can, but don't be having all your balls in it. It will taste nasty.
Gemini, it is you who is trying to start such a big mess for no reason. I never said it had a charm or a lead roll. I just want love and spread kindness. PS: I use my brain. I use it all the time, just for your information. I just hope we can be friends.
Best, Gwen