Can jokes
I told my orphan girlfriend that I had to grab milk. (Goes to the store, grabs milk.) As I grab the milk, I thought, "Hey, I bet I can repeat her life twice."
A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...
What did the kamikaze instructor say to the students?
"Okay guys, watch very carefully because I can only show you this demonstration once."
My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest, telling her we can get married once she makes her way out.
Why do orphans commit crimes?
So they can be wanted for once.
An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."
The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"
"Nein," said the old man.
How does an Alabama mother know when her daughter is on her period?
She can taste the blood off her son’s cock!
I am trying to re-comment something that used to be on here, but is no longer on here.
Here are some rules to make a good joke:
1: Don't say “my life.”
2: Proofread your joke and make sure people can read it/have good grammar in it.
3: And don’t repost things (although this last one is hypocritical because this was me trying to repost something, but it is still a good rule to go by).
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.
Why are orphans good at dodgeball?
They can dodge adoptions.
What is long that Paul Walker can fit into his mouth? A long black tree.
How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb in the middle of the night?
I don't know, I can never see them.
My sister said that you know that "that" is really cool. Then I said, "You know you can shut up."
Christmas special
Me: Can you describe Mrs. Claus in 3 words? Santa: Ho ho ho.
What's the only thing Mexicans can unwrap on Christmas? Tamales.
A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. "Jesus is watching you." The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. "Jesus is watching you." Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual. He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it. Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, "Jesus is watching you." The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, "Are you the one who's been talking to me?" The parrot responds, "Yes." The thief couldn't believe it. So, he asks another question. "What is your name?" "Ismael." the parrot replies. The man scoffed. "What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?" The parrot speaks yet again, "The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus."
Something you can say at a job interview and during sex:
"I’m here for the new position?"
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*