Can jokes

As you can see here, Jessie is wearing a lot of concealer.

Jessie?

Hey, can I tell you a joke about pencils? Never mind, it's pointless.

It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

Hey, you person who's scrolling, please leave your HONEST opinion on life. Do you think "life sucks" or "eh, it's okay," etc.? It can be short; if you don't want to, then that's okay.

Patient: “Doctor, my bottom hurts.”

Doctor: “Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?”

Patient: “Right around the entrance.”

Doctor: “As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.”

Your forehead is too big. I can see my future when it shines.

My grandad was shocked to learn that lightning can strike in the same place twice.

Did you know that an orphan can take a selfie and a family photo at the same time?

Alright, I'm gonna drink the lo-carb one to see how it compares to the normal Monster.

Holy shit, it tastes just like the original one.

There's like a weird after taste though.

Kinda like a sparkling water one.

I love Monster. I've drank about 5 cans already.

Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.

Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”

“Under my bench,” he replies.

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold!

So, I went up to an Australian girl. She looked like she was 20, and I said, "Can I have your phone number, sweetheart?" She said, "696969." I said, "Oh, haha, okay." A few days later, her mother called me and said she's 15.

Hey guys, starting tomorrow, I will put one letter of the "doin your mom" song every day. Can I finish the song?

Also, I might be in Fortnite, hehehehehe.

What is an animal that kids get for Christmas and can easily give to someone else?

A white elephant.

Why does new pavement smell like butt?

In other words you can also call it asphalt.

Ass-phalt.

Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).

Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).

Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.

What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?

Lego, so he can build a home.

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What's an orphan's favorite sport?

Baseball, because that's the only time they can run home.

I see 6 letters in "the past."

I have 2020 vision.

I see 7 letters in "the future," I have 2021 vision.