Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper ...
''Woman beats off Rapist in carpark'' ,
I suppose that was a fair compromise !
I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple
A father came to his daughters 18th birthday he finally came
A orphan came out the closet to there parents as gay. Oh wait. Continue.
Is your ass jealous of the shit that came out your fucking mouth
Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.
So I left my mom with my baby and I was terrified when I came back in the wheelchair was in the water
Why do orphans eat cerial without milk? Because thier dad never came home from the store.
WHY DO U CANT EAT CERAL
BECASUE YOUR DAD NEVER CAME BACK FROM GETTING THE MIK!!!
The IRS came to this mans house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money thats been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man though maybe I need to get a lawyer. So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down and the agent said there has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it. The man says yes I do, I'm a gambler. The agent says you gamble with that much money. He man says yes, I'll give you an example. Alright I bet you 5,000$ that I can bite my left eye. Agent says alright deal. The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agents says that not fair. The man says I'll let you get your money back or even more, I bet you 7,500$ I can bite my right eye. He agents thinking I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick so the agent says deal. The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says that's not fair. The man replies alright I have another one, your down 12,500$ I'll bet you 15,000$ if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere. The agent says that's impossible you've got a deal. The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk and the agent says I got you, he's laughing and happy that he final beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face and the agent asked what's wrong with you and the lawyer replies the man bet me 100,000$ he could piss on your desk and you'd just love it.
A kid goes in to a restaurant without parents and a waitress came up and said you have to leave this is a family restaurant
I was trying to make friends and this one person came up to me they said “lettuce be friends?” I just laughed and said that was tearable
Me:hey I’m your mom orphan:yay you came back me:sike
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk The dad finally came back with the milk
One day my kid with no arms came up to me and said, "Mom whats dark humor?" I thought about it than said, "Go wave to that blind person" and he just looked at me, confused, but angry.
I came I across a pic of the oldest man on earth on ig , he was 132 years old. I commented age is just a number for him now I'm banned.
I can't have my Oreos 😭 Why?
My dad stall hasn't came back with that God damn milk
i bribbled a kid and he was bribbled hem so hard that his balls came off
One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”
