Father O'Reilly ran into a young woman whose mother attended his church at the market. "Ah, Mary Agnes, congratulations!"
She gave him a puzzled look. "On what?"
"Your mother tells me you've been praying to St. Gerard and finally got pregnant, it's a miracle."
Mary Agnes sighed. "My mother needs to get hearing aids if she's going to eavesdrop on my phone calls to friends. I said it'll be a miracle if I get pregnant since the only thing I'm fucking is a St. Bernard."
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
What do you call a Mexican Transformer? Optimus Juan!
Lil Johnny looked in his pants and couldn’t find his fish, so he started to yell out, "Lil fishy, lil fishy, lil fishy!" They called child support and sent the parents to jail for putting a fish up a child’s butt.
What do you call a favorite joke that isn’t your favorite?
None fave. Foch heads.
What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.
What do you call a bird with no wings?
Moas didn't even know that existed!
What do you call an entitled woman? A Karen.
What do you call a black man with a gun? A GANGSTA
Call me Willma, will my balls fit ya mouth?
What do you call a group of transgender women?
X-Men.
What do you call a dwarf with autism Matthew Michal?
What do you call the most fucking racist and obnoxious country in the fucking entire fucking omniverse? NORTH AMERICA!
And if you disagree just 'cus you're American, I don't give a fuck, you low life cunts. Plus, if you don't think you're racist, um, hello people? Motherfucking George Floyd!
My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."
Why can't orphans have sex?
They have no one to call "daddy".
What do you call a retard with a boner? A slowpoke.
What do you call Hiroshima and Nagasaki?
The world's first microwaves.
What do you call multiple quintuplets that look the same?
Naruto's mom.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
TITANic
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun? Special Forces.
