But jokes

I killed a man, but it was April Fools'!

Okay so not a joke but like- There's a fucking noose in my school gym.

You're so skinny that your mom had to use a whole shampoo bottle on your head, but she still couldn’t find you.

Why do girls play handball? Because they want to feel balls.

But then why do boys want to? Oh...

If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.

I dunno man, worked for me.

My wife is pregnant with a 3-year-old, so I gave her medicine, but now she’s pregnant with a 5-year-old.

I cut my dick. It is all right now, and half the size but makes for excellent breakfast.

I may not be the brightest candle on the cake, but you can still blow me.

You may not like me, but you still look up to me.

Why were the people in 911 devastated?

They ordered extra flavored pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

- All over it like a fat kid on a cupcake.

- Giggling like a room full of fat kids.

- Drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers and 3 shots in 3 hours goes down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Bully: Your fat.

Me: Fat is something to fix, but your face isn't.

Pastor: I don’t normally swear, but tonight I am going to, just for the halibut!

Gwen: Prince, they told me you'd be crying back. What do you want?

Prince: Nothing...BUT CAN WE GET BACK TOGETHER!?!??

Gwen: Sorry...BUT...I have a life to live now. I'm logging off this site and going to watch some TV. I'll be back in 1 hour, but we are done...DONE...DONE.

An orphan was playing with a famous baseball player. The baseball player walks up to him and says, "Dude, I gotta teach you." The orphan goes, "Why? I got all your moves down." The baseball player goes, "But kid, you can never find home, though."

Hello Honey Bunches, it's me, Your Narrator. I was told by my buddy youthpartorryan he's in the middle of a war... I may be super wholesome but war against my buddy? Ho ho ho, no! A STORM IS COMING. #BestFriends

This is about Gwen.

I don't know her, but people are just causing too much drama over one person who never said one thing to them.

Me: I broke me bum.

Dad: Oh, that is bad. I will get some Pooh in the toilet so I can heal your bum.

Alright ALYA and drew ALYA's boyfriend!! Have a good fucking life, I hardly even think drew is real but uk whatever I've passed on but DREW if u fucking wanna beef, I'll fight u bro, ur prob a stick, I'm fucking doing push ups 4 times a week 100 each.

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.