But jokes

I would tell you a joke about pizza,

but it's too cheesy.

It's weird how Stephen Hawking's last name sounds like "walking and talking," but he could not do either of those!

Riddle: I don't move, I travel across the world, but I never leave the corner. What am I?

Answer: A stamp.

Well, I don't have a joke but... I have a poem.

My dick is red, your pussy is blue. I... lied to you.

Stephen Hawking tried joining some music bands, but all of them rejected him... except Daft Punk.

I met him once, but he wouldn’t give me his autograph!

Girls are like blackjack; you shoot for 21, but I keep hitting 14.

Three Europeans come to America. They are all captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

So the first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach, and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a BANANA!!"

They struggled to lift the weights, but I got watermelon to keep me in shape.

Let me tell you a story.

There once was a bro who constantly choked on chodes.

He didn't want his bros to ever know that he constantly choked on chodes.

He lived in a dorm, and all day he watched porn, but still he would suck on some corn.

One day he would go to choke on some tasty chode, but his bros found out, gave him a shout, and kicked him out yelling that he broke the bro code.

Guy spills milk on me. I say, "It's okay, we all make mistakes sometimes, but apparently your mom made a big one."

What was the incontinent farmer's greatest problem? He managed his carrot patch but couldn't control his peas!

You calling me gay, but the pole is straighter than you.

This gay guy was so happy with his new boyfriend that he took him to his favorite gay bar.

An hour or so goes by, then the new flame says, "I just LOVE this place, everyone is so nice, food is great, but what's up with the monkey way down there?"

His friend says "OK, watch this." He goes up behind the chimp and smacked him in back of its head. The monkey jumped off the stool, pulls down his zipper, and gives him head. When finished, the chimp took a napkin, cleaned himself, pulled up his zipper, then jumped back to his chair.

He walked back to his new gay friend and said, "What do you think of that?"

"MAN, I seen some amazing things, but never like that!" His squeeze said, "Wanna give it a try?"

"I sure do, JUST DON'T hit me as hard as you hit that monkey."

What is blue but smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

We almost drowned when we went out boating, but I got a watermelon to keep me floating.

A man (Ameenya Sheed) texts another man (Bob) and said,

"Hi, I'm Ameenya Sheed."

Bob: "You're not in my shed because I don't have one, but I have a garage. I don't think you're in there."

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.

I have 25 friends in the alphabet.

But I don't know why.

I heard a pretty juicy rumor about butter, but I decided I didn't want to spread it.