But jokes

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

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    • A man went to a Ford dealership hoping to find a car, but he said they weren't affordable.

    The IRS came to this man's house one day and told him to come in the next morning to talk about all the money that's been coming in and out of his bank account. So the man thought, "Maybe I need to get a lawyer." So he and his lawyer get to the IRS's office and sit down, and the agent said, "There has been a large amount of money flowing in and out of your account, and we wanted to know if you knew anything about it." The man says, "Yes, I do. I'm a gambler." The agent says, "You gamble with that much money?" The man says, "Yes, I'll give you an example. Alright, I bet you $5,000 that I can bite my left eye." Agent says, "Alright, deal." The man takes out his fake eye and bites it. Then the agent says, "That's not fair." The man says, "I'll let you get your money back, or even more. I bet you $7,500 I can bite my right eye." The agent, thinking, "I didn't see him come in with a guide dog or a stick," so the agent says, "Deal." The man takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The agent then says, "That's not fair." The man replies, "Alright, I have another one. You're down $12,500. I'll bet you $15,000, if you put that waste basket on the other side of the room, I can stand by your desk and piss across the room into the waste basket and not get a drop anywhere." The agent says, "That's impossible, you've got a deal." The man starts peeing and pees all over his desk, and the agent says, "I got you!" He's laughing and happy that he finally beat him, but then the lawyer has his hand on his face, and the agent asked, "What's wrong with you?" and the lawyer replies, "The man bet me $100,000 he could piss on your desk, and you'd just love it."

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    • What's the difference between a fish and a car?

    You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

    We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

    But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?

    Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).

    Why did my boyfriend leave me?

    Because he's gay.

    But why did he come back to me?

    Because I'm actually a guy :-)

    I know you don’t like rape jokes, but I’m gonna force one on you anyway.

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    • When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.

    When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.

    When you try to close a Google ad because it was covering content, but it was covered by "Ad closed by Google."

    A man bought a brand new iPhone but returned it, why?

    The apple was already bitten.

    Did you hear about the restaurant they're putting on the moon?

    Good food, but no atmosphere.

    Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.

    The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.

    They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"

    And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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    • When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.

    But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)

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