But jokes
Yeah, I keep telling everyone 9/11 jokes, but they all just crash and burn.
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
What has a heart but no organs?
A deck of cards!
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
I tried to take a fog machine, but I took the wrong one. Needless to say, it was a big mist-take.
How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.
Jim walks into a bar and asks for a shot of vodka. He then says to the barkeep, "Who's the toughest guy in here?"
The barkeep points to a man at the pool table. Jim then knocked him out and paid for the shot and left. He did this every Friday for 2 months. Finally, the barkeep is pissed because Jim keeps knocking out all of his customers. He then orders a gorilla and puts him in the bathroom.
Jim walks into the bar and gets another shot of vodka. He asks again, "Who's the toughest guy in here tonight?" The bartender points to the bathroom and says he's in there. Jim walks into the bathroom and everyone in the bar can hear yelling and screaming. The bartender asks, "What happened in there?" Jim smiles and says, "I don't know who that was, but when he wakes up tell him I put his fur jacket in the toilet."
I knocked on Stephen Hawking's door, but nobody answered...
All I got was "error 404 page not found."
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years.
But no one would do it.
Smaller babies may be delivered by a stork, but bigger ones need a crane.
His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.
I tried to catch the fog, but I mist.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
What's a skeleton's favorite plant? A bone-zai tree. But if they don't like that one, how about a s-pine tree?
My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.
Stephen was a great person, and he will be greatly missed, but I enjoy these jokes too much to not stop.
A man tried to shoot Adolf Hitler, but missed. Then Adolf replied, "Oh shoot, I did nazi that coming!"