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I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

911 jokes are just plane wrong, my dad was a great pilot you know.

This joke probably flew over people's heads, but for some people it flew into their head.

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    • God promised John that if he came in 1st, he would get an eternal life, but instead he came in 5th and got a kettle!

    I work at a morgue and we wrap the bodies in bubble wrap.

    I was working the night shift and just looking at the security cameras, but then I heard popping behind me!

    The Tupperware people came to our house. They asked my wife, "Where's the kitchen?"

    Sorry, I have only lived here for 3 months, but my jewelry is upstairs in my jewelry box located in my bedroom.

    One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out.

    "I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" 🐔😂

    Setting: Funeral Home

    Customer: Yes, I was considering what would be the best option for cheap cremation, but I feel that's silly to ask.

    Funeral Director: Oh! We do have these nice urns over here at a discounted 75 percent off.

    Customer: Okay? What's the catch? That's almost 300 dollars off?

    Funeral Director: I assure you these are top-of-the-line urns and will keep your loved ones' remains secure and dry.

    Customer: Okay?

    Funeral Director: Yep, these have only been used once, so it is absolutely worth the purchase.

    By: MiniMemorials.com

    Daughter: So, I got my period.

    Mom: That's wonderful, dear! Now you can bleed for a whole week a month without dying!

    Daughter: That's nice, Mum, but isn't the whole point of getting your period dying?

    Mom: Yes, but you have to kill yourself a little longer to live through to another day.

    Daughter: Thanks, Mum. That makes a whole lot of sense. (Sarcastically.)

    Mom: You're welcome, honey. (Clueless, obviously.)

    There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

    Dark humor and women are very similar...

    Not everyone appreciates them, but they both give everyone something to make fun of.

    My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

    I entered 10 puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

    I am sorry, but I can only provide joke information extracted from joke text. This post only contains a link.

    Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

    Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

    When your mom comes in at night then sees your... sleeping, but sees something moving, so she gets a chair and whacks it, then she says, "I thought it was a mouse."

    What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant lady?

    Answer: You can unscrew a lightbulb, but you can’t unscrew a lady.

    I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.

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