But jokes

I tried to have phone sex once.

But the holes were too small.

So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.

Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.

At baseball practice...

"Hey John, did you bring the bucket of balls?"

"No, but I got two right here."

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

What did the depressed kid do in P.E.? They played with the jump rope, but they used it the wrong way.

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

By the way, why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings, but they never answer that door.

Enjoy!

"Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but You're too shy to say it Inside, we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you." mucho_mango: just woke up from my dream what was that.

TELL ME YOU'VE DONE THIS WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'VE DONE THIS.!!! So, we all know when y'all were in school, y'all would fart, but y'all would try to make it silent, but for me, that one day I farted loud, and everyone could hear. Everyone got to blame the annoying kid.

Your mom is just like Rapunzel, but instead of letting down her hair, she lets everyone down! OHHHHH!

I KNOW IT'S MARCH, BUT I THOUGHT OF THIS!

Jingle bells, jingle bells! OH GOD, SANTA FELL!

I guess it's time for Mrs. Claus to go straight down to hell!

If boys are like sports because they are easy to play, then girls are like a sandwich. They are nice at first, but they're crusty after.

You know that the F in orphan may stand for family, but it actually stands for "fuck family."

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

I was trying to tell some people here to stop, but then I found out that the S was covered in blood from me assaulting someone.

To the guy in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage coat: you can hide, but you can't run.

I tried to high five a tree, but it just left me hanging.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

In Ukraine, there was a massive wake-up call by Russia. But for some, the results were the opposite.

What did the mother say to Michael J. on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my son!"