Burning jokes

You are so ugly when you gave birth to your baby, you gave it carpet burn.

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

"FUCK FUCK FUCK MY CLOTHES CAUGHT THE FLAME OH MY GOD IT BURNS SO MUCH!"

"911, I just crashed my car. I think it's burning. I can't see. It hurts to breathe."

*Coughs roughly* Oh my God, it hurts so much. I can't see. It burns! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! Help!!! *Weakly*

Why do 911 jokes always fail?

They always crash and burn!

If someone told me to bring up 9/11, they were trying to make a funny joke, but it didn't work.

That one really *crashed and burned*.

You call it a burning orphanage. I call it FNAF lore.

Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?

They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

How to commit arson:

1. Burn down an orphanage.

A Catholic school is burning down. One of the priests says, "Save the children, save them!" Another priest says, "F*ck the children, we're gonna die!!" The last priest is like, "Hmmm... do we have time?"

What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?

Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.

B: Can you please stop roasting me?

A: At least the "roasting" that I did to you didn't burn you to death.

School Bully: How's your girlfriend? Oh wait, you don't have any!

Me: How's your parents? Oh wait, you don't have any! *Continues to burn down orphanage*

*text conversation boy: When you kiss someone, you burn 15 calories. Wanna burn calories together sometime?

girl: Are you saying I'm fat?

I was told to burn calories, so I threw your mom in the fire.

If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

What do you call a kid in a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.