British jokes
I don’t believe in reincarnation now, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.
—Shane Richie, British actor
Smoking a fag in Britain: 🚬
Smoking a fag in America: hate crime.
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?
British cigarettes get smoked easily.
"Just because I don't like Lewis Hamilton, doesn't make me racist."
British people r so dumb dang
American-accented, British pronunciation, what am I?
Either Canadian or European.
Only one band is capable of affording the insurance on supercars. UB40!
An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.
They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.
"Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.
The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.
"State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."
They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.
"Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.
When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.
"No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."
Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.
The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.
"What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.
"Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."
American people: We will throw your teabags in the ocean!
British: At least our towers didn’t fall. 😎
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
You take a plane from Australia. Your mom is American, your dad is British, and your brother (and you) is Canadian (well, because they traveled along many places). You are eating dinner, but you realized you were going to Europe.
You went sleepy, and you forgot your pet named "Strallia." But she could not go anyways, so you had to leave her. When you went to Europe, you were in the "COUNTRY-SIDE."
British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."
Why isn't Stephen Hawking going to heaven?
Because he's British.
BLM British Lives Matter.
Brits don't exist. Mummies can't have kids.
Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"
Roses are red, my name is Dan...
TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." 💀
British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didn’t explode."😎
Yo mama's teeth are so crooked, they have a British accent.