British jokes
An Australian, an American, and a British man are on a golf course.
They're all on the green and working out their next shot when a phone starts ringing.
"Terribly sorry," says the Brit, but instead of getting out a phone, he twists his earlobe around to reveal a speaker and opens his bottom lip to reveal a microphone and takes the call.
The other two are pretty impressed, and the Brit shrugs modestly.
"State of the art British tech. Surgically implanted. Amazing stuff."
They get set to resume, but another phone goes off.
"Ugh, sorry guys," says the American, but instead of taking out his phone, he holds up his hand, taps the palm with his other hand, and it turns into a screen. As the other two watch, the American has a video call.
When he's finished, the other two are impressed, but the American waves it off.
"No biggie. Just the latest and greatest in digital communications from the good old US of A."
Again, the three are about to continue their game when there's a strange, electronic sound and, much to the other two's surprise, the Aussie runs off into the bushes.
The Brit and the American follow him and soon find the Aussie squatting down in the middle of a clearing, clothes around his ankles, bare-assed and grunting.
"What the hell..." one of them says, but the Aussie holds up his hand in apology.
"Sorry fellas, got a fax coming through..."
American-accented, British pronunciation, what am I?
Either Canadian or European.
What’s the difference between a cancer patient and a British news reporter in the South?
They usually don’t live to tell the tale.
Why should you keep English gay activists away from neo-nazis?
British cigarettes get smoked easily.
What do British politics and transgender people have in common?
Both aren't what they used to be...
The British equivalent to 9/11 would be a big red bus crashing into Big Ben.
Why can't British people play chess?
Because they lost their queen.
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where is the United States?" Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map of North America.
"Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be?" he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
"And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?"
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
"Where is Germany again, Father?"
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. "One last question, Father."
"Yes?"
"Has Hitler seen this map?"
American people: We will throw your teabags in the ocean!
British: At least our towers didn’t fall. 😎
Americans when they think they have the best offensive British jokes: "we threw your tea in the ocean." 💀
British people making offensive jokes about America: "our towers didn’t explode."😎
America: Saying, "I beg your pardon" in British English is like saying; "What did you say to me you orphaned big forehead shitty ass small dick bitch?"
UK: You Americans are so fucking rude.
America: Oh, I'm SoRrY mIsTeR fAnCy PaNts 👖
Asians love it when a British person says "Rice!"
Every culture has weird food.
Australians eat vegemite. The British eat haggis. The French eat snails. The Chinese eat dogs. The Americans eat their young siblings' private parts.
British tv: 🖥
Italian tv: 📺
What does a British cannibal's favorite meal?
Fish and chaps.
Next time you see a Brit, go up to them and say:
"Imagine losing a 'Tea Party in Boston.'"
British emo people be like, "Oi, I'm upset."
What did the British soldiers say while in the trenches? "Damn, it's windy out here!"
What do you call a white man farting? "British Gas."
What's the difference between the Queen's death and Princess Diana's death? The Queen died in peace, not pieces.