Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
Jesus is fake,
He hides from himself.
What is hell to you?
Jesus!!!!!
He is everywhere taking our time and energy and our lives for his entertainment.
But Judgment Day is his eternal hell!
And our Eternal Heaven!!
Jesus stinks so bad he killed all living things in Heaven.
Jesus is what he eats!
Shit!
Ok, here's a story about the church.
There were two parents, then they had a baby. Then they go to the church and the baby was getting a cross on his forehead. Guess he was big headed. Sorry if this offends anyone or makes this joke bad since I keep writing this.
I used to have an imaginary friend who I could talk to, and he could grant me wishes and stuff... and then I stopped going to church.
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
What is Jesus's favorite exercise? Cross fit.
Do you know what a reverse exorcism is?
It's when the demon tells the priest to exit the child's body.
There's only one reason our Education Minister is standing by this curriculum.
In her religion, you NEVER pull out.
Virgos are always virgins to age 17... Just saying.
Guys, say "I love gape horn" really loud and you will get good luck for 10 years.
Why do orphans pray to God?
So they have someone to call father.
What do you call a fat girl with a rape alarm?
Optimistic.
What do you get when you throw holy water on a cow?
A holy cow!
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
Why do orphans like to go to church?
Because they actually have a father there.
What is another name 🤔 for Holy water 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧 🚽 toilet water.
