Being jokes

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

My nickname should be night light... because kids turn me on...

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation, and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going, he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntly. You should break the news gently. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be okay. Then on the third day, you could have said that she died from complications."

The next day, the woman calls her brother again and asks how things are. He says, "Well, Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down..."

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible... But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

An orphan's first word would be "orphan keeper."

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

I now know what my first tattoo should be, zebra stripes! Not like anyone would know the difference between them.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Today a child asked if I was an angel. I asked why, and he said, "Mommy says that angels have marks on their wrists because they don't want to be in this world."

Me: Wanna hear a joke about my chin?

Friend: Nah, dude. It'll be too long.

He is looking for children. If you don't know who EDP445 is, look him up.

Be careful around EDP445.

If things don't get better, the Christmas lights won't be the only thing hanging.

I'm not saying you're inbred. I'm just saying you're a textbook example of why consanguineous marriage might not be the best idea.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

Be careful what you say around Indians, the red dot means they're recording.

BTW, I am one, wahahaa!