Being jokes
A prisoner was told how he'll be executed. Needless to say, he was shocked.
God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "You have to say please first."
If Chuck Norris was a Spartan in the movie 300, the movie would be called 1.
Why did the library book go to the doctor?
It needed to be checked out.
I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
Why should you be wary of stairs? -- Because they are always up to something.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
I can't stand being in a wheelchair.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.
They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they're not laughing now!
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
English is weird. It can be understood through tough, thorough thought, though.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.
If Al Gore started a math rock band, it should be called Algorhythm.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
Will glass coffins be a success? -- Remains to be seen.
What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? -- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."
If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.