Being jokes

My uncle got sued from NASA the other day. He claimed to be the first one to enter Uranus.

Your daddy must be a drug dealer, because you're dope.

"You suck. I don't wanna be married anymore ://////"

You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they beat the room for being dark, then arrest the room for being broke.

Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because then there is no delivery.

A penguin walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So what will it be this time?" The penguin doesn't answer because it's a penguin.

What can you say both at a funeral and during sex?

This would be much better if you were alive.

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

You look tall for being a yellow dwarf. You are 432,450 miles tall!

You look tall for being 432,450 miles tall!

I wish I didn't have depression because all my friends have "BBC Bitch be crazy" disease.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!

Rules of Dark humor:

1. All subject matter can be used, nothing is off limits.

2. No saying "Me" or "My Life" as a joke. Nobody finds those funny. We want actual good and meaningful jokes.

3. Don't Repeat Previously Posted Jokes. If you are saying the same joke that the person right before you posted you are just begging for attention and nobody by any means likes that.

I will add more in the future and be frequent on this site.

- Sincerely, Zane

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

I was trying to make friends, and this one person came up to me. They said, "Lettuce be friends?" I just laughed and said that was tear-able.

I learned that a strangler was targeting me.

All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"

Why did the Ice Cube complain about being so warm? Because he was dropped on the floor.