Behind Jokes

One hat told another hat to stay behind, and he will go on a-head.

I met this girl at a bar and started doing her from behind. Everything was great until she turned and said "My turn!".

Two gay guys, two lesbians, and two pedophiles have a race. What is the order of finish?

1. Lesbians. Doing 69 the whole way. 2. Pedophiles. Coming in a little behind. 3. Gay guys. Still packing their shit.

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex Oh were you talking to me I thought you only talked behind my back Hold still I am trying to imagine you with a personality

A man walks into a bar, he takes a seat and asks the barmen if he wanted to hear a blonde joke, the barmen replies before you tell this joke I want to tell you something, see the women over there, she is a black belt in karate, she's blonde , see the bouncer over there he is also a blonde, see the chick over there with that pool que she is also blonde, also I have a shotgun behind the bar i'm blonde, so do you still want to tell your joke? He replies f**k that I ain't explaining the joke 4 times.

I think abraham Lincoln was gay because a guy shot from behind

Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.

What’s pink, black and has 17 nipples?

A trash can behind the cancer ward

You don't usually see strap-hangers carrying newspapers these days. But one guy with the New York Times is seen getting on a crowded F Train. He notices a single seat not taken. Suspicious, he gets closer and sniffs it out. The seat is discolored but dry. Throwing caution to the winds, he removes a section from the paper and sets it down to buffer the spot from his behind. He sits down, stretches his feet and yells out: "Try sitting on your smartphones, suckers!"

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

A wife says to her husband 'you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back' 'what do you expect' he says 'you're in a fucking wheelchair'

Who is the man behind all lives matter?

Michael jackson

The Trump cocktail. Take a large glass and fill it with an ounce of everything behind the bar. Top it with whipped cream and a cherry. Now for the hard part: finding a Mexican to pay for it.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven".

The first guy says "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times". The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says "11 years and only once" and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says "20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart" and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says " I know we are dead but it could be much worse".

The guy looks up and says "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard"

Two Indians talk over a long distance using smoke signals. In the middle of the conversation, a nuclear bomb explodes behind one of them and a huge cloud of smoke rises silently into the sky. The other Indian signals with smoke: "Not so loud"