Behind Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I`ve kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I`ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Blonde." The Blonde then taped the note to the kid`s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

why do pedos like to lose races? because they like to cum on a little behind

Yesterday I purchased a world map And told my wife to throw a dart, and wherever it lands I will take her turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge

The truth behind hitlers suicide, his gas bill was to high.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck, when a dildo thumps the windshield. To protect little johnny's innocence he says, "that was a insect." Little Johnny replies," I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

“Come again!” says the woman behind the desk.

“No, it’s curry this time.”

Michael J Fox walks into an ice cream parlour. The man behind the counter asks Michael. Can I help you? Michael exclaims I would like an ice cream? The man behind the counter asks. What flavour? Michael says. It doesn't matter what flavour, I'm gunna fucken drop it anyway.

roses are red, violets are blue, I fucked a chimpanzee behind my local zoo

A man got pulled over and the policeman had stepped out and said do you know how fast you were going and the man said I was trying to catch up with the traffic and the officer said there is no traffic the man said exactly that’s how far behind I am

I was doing a race and I started after everyone cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, because I can't go straight, if i'm gay...

Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?

I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work

Mary is hanging out and the angel Gabriel descends behind her and she looks behind her and says Jesus Christ and the angel Gabriel said so you already know

I got pranked so many times once I saw two wheels rolling down the street I hear this noise I look behind me there's a legless man in a wheelless chair screaming "HELP I CANT GO ANYWERE'' but I walked away I knew it was a prank

A teacher is doing an experiment, about taste. she tells each student to line up so she can give them each a lifesaver, so they can tell her what flavor it is. she gives Suzy a pineapple one, Suzy tries it, says the flavor, and then goes and sits back down. that is the same for everyone, then it is Jhonny's turn, the teacher hands him a honey flavor one, Jhonny chews it for a while, then says, "Teacher, I don't know what it is.". the teacher tries to give him a hint and says "it's what you parents call each other when your alseep". immedietly the boy behind Jhonney screams "spit it out Jhonny it's an asshole!!!"

Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!) As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interview by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end. Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven. He says to the first nun : "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man"? Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says : Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven". St. Peter says : "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven". Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently. "Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says. Sister Bernadette asks : "What is it?" A little annoyed. Sister Carmel says : "Do you mind if we swap places"? Sister Bernadette replies : "What for"? Sister Carmel says : "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there"!

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus and proudly claims the animal can play any musical instrument. The bartender pulls out a guitar from behind the bar and gives it to the octopus, which plays an amazing solo. Just then a scotsman walks into the bar with a set of bagpipes. The octopus grabs the instrument and wrestles around with it on the ground, flailing about making a horrible sound. The bartender says "Hey, looks like he can't play that!", and the octopus says, "Play it? As soon as I get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"