Bad jokes

Jesus and his friend went fishing. They both cast their lines out, and both of them get a bite, but Jesus's friend misses and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's a bad sentence to say; if you say it 3 times, something bad will happen to you." They cast it out again, and both get a bite, and Jesus's friend misses again and says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus replied, "If you say that one more time, something bad will happen." They cast out again, and Jesus's friend's line snaps, and he says, "Damn, I missed." Jesus said, "That's the last time something bad will happen." The biggest thunderstorm ever seen appeared, and a lightning bolt struck Jesus, and a voice came from the clouds, "Damn, I missed."

Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

Why is the USA so bad at chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

What game does a suicidal person who is very bad at word or guessing games love?

Hangman.

What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?

Condoms.

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

I love all races, even the bad ones.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

Why is America bad at chess? We already lost two towers.

Sister: You're adopted.

Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

What's white and can't climb a tree?

A refrigerator.

Australian says to American: why do you have such bad gun laws?

American: Self defense.

Australian: Self defense against 50 innocent children?

Bully: I'm going to hurt you so bad.

You: Well... your IQ is the same amount of teeth I'm about to knock out, so... you're so dumb that you can't even do that.

And your IQ is 5.