Bad jokes
A heavily pregnant woman is in an accident and gives birth to twins while comatose. Upon awakening some days later, the doctors tell her that her brother Tom filled out the birth certificates while she was out.
"Oh no, Tom's an idiot, what did he name my daughter?" she asked the nurse.
"Denise."
"That's not a bad name. And what did he name the boy?"
"Tom Junior."
Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.
Why was the blunt pencil bad at making speeches? It never had a point.
Why are Americans so bad at Clash of Clans? Because they already lost two towers.
Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!
"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.
Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What game does a suicidal person who is very bad at word or guessing games love?
Hangman.
What separates bad jokes from dad jokes?
Condoms.
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
I love all races, even the bad ones.
My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.
Jack and Jill went up the Jill so Jack could lick Jill's fanny, but Jack had a shock with a mouthful of cock because was actually a tranny.
Bad Hitler puns are infuhrerating.
Why is America bad at chess? We already lost two towers.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
Sister: You're adopted.
Me: At least they wanted me, they must feel terribly bad cuz they had to keep you :(
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"
The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."
The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"