Back jokes

Three men are shipwrecked on a jungle island and taken prisoner by the residing cannibals. They are all told to walk into the jungle and come back with one piece of fruit. They go in and the first man comes out with a peach. He is instructed to shove it in his ass, and if he laughs, he will be killed. He tries and dies.

The second man comes back with a grape and is instructed to do the same. When the two meet at the pearly gates, the first man says, "I had a peach. They're fuzzy. You had a grape. What's your excuse?"

"Well, I was doing fine until I saw Jimmy come out of the brush with a pineapple."

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. The banks offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive, but offered a much larger award for the recovery of the stolen funds.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a long and difficult search, he traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he checked the town's cantina, and sure enough, there was the robber. The only other people in the bar were the bartender and a scrawny, older man at a back table. The time was right to make a move. The ranger drew his revolver, charged into the cantina, and announced: "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where the money is, and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Texas alive."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. As it turned out, the scrawny man at the back of the bar happened to be a lawyer. He knew the robber, and was bilingual, and quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The ranger said: "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now." Upon hearing what the Ranger had said, and seeing the cold look in his eye, the bandit knew that the Ranger meant it - if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Spanish that the loot was buried in an old barn at the outskirts of town. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered: "He said, 'You don't have the nerve to shoot me, Yankee swine.'"

Zion's so fat, when he walks, he breaks his mama's back.

Your hairline is so far back that it would be a 70 mile trip to the back.

An orphan walks into a science lab. The lead scientist greets him and takes him to a DNA testing station. After some procedures, the results come back:

"UNKNOWN"

Teacher: What is your least favorite holiday?

Orphan: National Forgive Your Mom And Dad Day.

Teacher: Why is that your least favorite?

Orphan: Because I don't have any parents to forgive.

Teacher: *tries to hold back* HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can tell you used to be friends with your hairline, cuz it goes way back.

Yo mama so fat, it took your dad eight years to come back with the milk.

Attention, everyone: I will be leaving this website. Thank you everybody who has been nice to me. Maybe I’ll come back in the future, but for now: Goodbye.

So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back...

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Yo mama is so ugly that not even goldfish smile back at her.

1. Are you talking to me because I think you talked to my backside?

2. Your mom must taste good because it is always in your mouth.

3. My foot lasts longer than your life.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"

A customer asked me to look at their hairline. I time traveled back to the dinosaurs.

I had the BEST day EVER.

1: I woke up.

2: I met someone I'm sad about.

3: I had fun and got them back again online.

But sadly the order was 2nd, 3rd, 1st... XD

I might have to back down on this because it is usually aimed for little children.

What do orphans, parents, and a ball have in common?

If you throw them, they both will never come back.

Old members come back, we’re bullying the pussies and idiots off the site.

An Emo kid in a tree falls. At the same time an apple falls from the same tree, what hits the ground first? The apple would be due to the kid's rope and noose.

Your hairline is so far back, it was in a different time zone on a flight with you.